


Forgotten but not Forgiven

by iloveitblue



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Not A Happy Ending, but not completely heart shattering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-17 01:26:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8125177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iloveitblue/pseuds/iloveitblue
Summary: Clint's past is not something he wants remembered.





	

“You’ve got two drones on your tail, Stark.” Clint said into the comms as he fired another exploding arrow into the mass of robotic misfits currently attacking what looked like a mailbox. “I think they think you’re their father, Tony.” Clint snickered.

“Har, Har. Just you wait, Barton. One of these days, the city will be attacked by freak bird-looking creatures and I’ll never let you hear the end of it.” Tony threatened, firing two blasts at the drones. 

“Well, until that day comes, I guess you’re just going to have to suck it up, don’t you?”

“May I remind everyone that wishing for freak bird-looking creatures to attack the city is in anyone’s best interest.” Phil reminded them as he directed a team of SHIELD agents to help with evacuation. 

“Tony started it.” Clint said with urgency.

“Oh, nice.” Clint could almost hear Tony rolling his eyes at him. “Very mature, birdbrain.”

“People, please. Trying to save the city from total destruction here.” Cap said with what Clint described as his disappointed glare. He was good at giving those and making you feel like every decision that lead you to that moment with him was unpatriotic or just plain wrong. Clint was glad he couldn’t see Cap’s face at that moment. “Could we be serious for a second?”

“Second’s up, Cap.” Natasha said after a beat of silence. “Oh, and I found our guy. He’s on an unidentified flying vehicle, headed south. Hawkeye, he should be within your sights in 3.”

Clint drew his arrow back just as the hoverboard looking thing passed him, “Got it.” He let his arrow fly, hitting the exposed engine at the back -- Honestly, where did this guy build his robot army? In his mom’s basement. “Aaaaand, he’s down. Going in for retrieval.” 

“Copy that.” Phil said through the line, “Be careful, Hawkeye.” 

Clint snorted, “Me? Careful?” 

“I think you’re thinking about a different Hawkeye, Phil.” Sam snickered, “Careful is, like, Clint’s antithesis. Everything he touches turns into a giant disaster.” 

“Gee, thanks. I appreciate your complete and utter lack of faith in me, Sam.” Clint said sarcastically, rolling his eyes at him. “And for your information, I happen to touch Phil every night and he isn’t a steaming pile of disaster.” 

There were various groans over the line, and Clint would bet all the money in the world that Phil was smirking. “We’re getting sidetracked,” Phil reminded them that there was, in fact, a mission to be completed, “Hawkeye, what’s your status?”

Clint jogged towards the debris of the smoking vehicle and found that their villain of the day was crushed underneath the shabby looking hoverboard. “I’m here. Suspect is currently trapped under the UFV and is struggling to get away. I could probably just sit on him and he won’t be able to escape.” 

“Laugh all you want, Avenger, but I know the truth.” Mr. Bad Guy says with all the conviction he could muster from underneath his fallen creation. 

“Listen, man. SHIELD is probably going to go easy on you if you don’t make a fuss. You didn’t really do that much damage aside from inciting mass panic. No giant explosions, no civillian casualties, and no need to bring out the Hulk. All in all, that’s pretty chill for a villain.” Clint explained, “Just tell them you’re really,  _ really _ sorry and they might even let you go with just an ankle bracelet that tracks your every movement. That’s a pretty sweet deal, don’t you think?”

“All of you, you’re all corrupted. None of you deserve to be hailed as heroes.” Mr. Bad Guy continued like he didn’t even hear a word from Clint. “You may have the world fooled, but I know your secrets, Avenger. I know all your secrets. And soon enough, the world will too.” 

Clint rolled his eyes. Great, another talker. By now, Clint is familiar with this speech -- The Avengers are not heroes, the world will turn on them, the villain is going to be the world’s salvation, ending the tyrrany that the Avengers brought, blah, blah, blah. Was there a crash course on being villains where they learn this speech from? 

“Yeah, okay, big guy. Let’s just-”

“And you, Hawkeye, you’re the most despicable out of all of them, aren’t you?” Mr. Bad Guy smirked, “They, all of them, they have their excuses; they didn’t have a choice, it was either them or the other guy, they didn’t know, but you, you knew. You knew what you were doing. You were given a choice. And you chose to be a monster.”

Clint clenched his jaw and turned his communicator off, “What are you talking about?” 

Mr. Bad Guy laughed, “We both know what I’m talking about,” The man tsked, as if annoyed at even the memory of it. “What did she ever do to you? She never deserved to die like that. And you are a monster for taking her away from me.” 

Clint swallowed the lump in his throat just as a SHIELD van pulled up next to them. SHIELD agents began working to get the man dislodged from underneath the vehicle and loaded into the van in handcuffs.

Clint felt nauseous. He was still staring off into space when a Junior agent tapped his shoulder to get his attention. Clint blinked at him and shook his head. 

“Sir, Agent Coulson is demanding to know why you turned your communicator off.” 

Clint nodded absently as he turned his comm on again. Multiple voices filtered through and Clint had to resist the urge to just pull the comm out of his ear completely and throw it away - there were too many voices already in his head, he really didn’t need the voices in his ear to start a screaming match with each other. 

“-int, Clint.” Phil said in a tone that suggested this wasn’t the first time he called the archer’s name. 

“Yeah,” Clint replied, still a little out of it.

“Are you okay? You disappeared so suddenly. What happened?” Phil asked, sounding concerned.

“Nothing. I just- I accidentally brushed over the comm while scratching my head.” He’ll feel bad about lying to Phil later, right now, he had things on his mind that needed straightening out. “You guys up for Chinese? I’m starving.” He hoped nobody on the line could tell the difference in his tone.

\---

“No way, Tony” Sam rolled his eyes at the genius. “Natasha is the Queen of Rainbow Road, unless you somehow managed to change the codes of the game itself, you’ve got no chance.” 

“Three things wrong with that statement right there; one, I  _ can  _ modify the code to  _ any _ game I want, two, I don’t need to  _ cheat _ as per your accusation because, three, I am  _ the best _ .” Tony listed things off using his fingers. 

Sam snorted, “Your funeral, man. Just don’t come crying when she thoroughly beats your ass for even thinking you can take her on.” 

“ _ Puh _ -lease. I’ve been playing on the Rainbow Road since I was an infant. When I’m done with Natasha, you’ll all be begging me to show you how to beat this game.” Tony smirked, leaning back as the loading screen disappeared in place of their characters. 

“Pretty words for someone who’s about to eat my dust.” Natasha reached for the popcorn bowl and threw a kernel in the air, catching it with ease. 

“You wish, Romanov.” 

“Bring it on, Stark.”

The race started and everyone in the living room cheered either Natasha or Tony on. Natasha pulled ahead at the first corner, leaving Tony in the dust but Tony wasn’t having it. He picked up a star power-up and bumped Natasha, leaving her character spinning and dizzy long enough for Tony and a few NPCs to pass her. 

“Oh, hey, Clint. Check this out. I think Stark actually has a chance of winning against Natasha.” Sam waved Clint over when he passed the living room just as Natasha shot a green shell at Tony, hitting him dead-on. “Nevermind.” 

Tony cursed a blue streak as he jumped up and tried to catch up with Natasha. When Sam didn’t see the archer in his periphery settling in like he expected to, he turned his head to find Clint entering the elevator, completely ignoring them. 

“Hey, What’s up with Barton lately?” Sam asked the room in general. It wasn’t like Clint to just up and miss a Rainbow Road Death Match. Normally, he’d be with them fighting over who got the controller next. 

“You noticed it too, huh?” Bruce asked, looking up from his magazine. He never really played Mario Kart, saying it’s bad for his heart, but he was always present during the games, watching everyone have fun. “He’s been distant lately but Phil hasn’t said anything so maybe he just ate something bad?” 

“No, he’s definitely been distant.” Natasha kept her eyes on the screen, but her tone implied that she was definitely listening, “Phil is worried about him. He asked me to look out for him.” 

“You always look out for him though, don’t you?” Steve asked.

“Yes, but this time, there’s the actual risk of him hurting someone or, worse, getting hurt.” Natasha explained. She left a fake box on the track and zoomed away. Tony narrowly escaped the boxed, and was glad that instead of Princess Peach (his character), Yoshi was the one who got the fake box. In the end though, Luigi took first place and Natasha smirked like a satisfied cat.

“Maybe we should talk to him; find out what’s wrong.” Steve suggested.

Tony threw the controller on the couch with a huff, “What makes you think he’ll tell us anything?” He took a slice of pizza from the box on the coffee table, took a bite out of it, and started gesturing wildly, pizza flapping uselessly in midair, “Don’t you think that if he wanted to tell us what’s wrong, he would’ve already told agent about it?” 

“Then, what do you suggest we do? Natasha says there’s a big risk to letting him continue like this” Bruce pointed out. 

“That’s easy.” Tony smiled, then paused for dramatic effect, “We throw a party.”

The other Avengers looked at him like he was crazy. 

To be fair, it was kind of true.

\---

Clint made his way through the halls of SHIELD HQ, careful not to attract attention to himself. He was on unauthorized mission, per se, to interview the man that they captured that afternoon. There was a niggling feeling in Clint that was telling him that he knew the man but he couldn’t quite place him. 

Blahblahblha

The door closed behind him with a soft click, locking them both inside the room. Clint was pretty sure that the guy was not only unarmed, he was also restrained. The guy looked up from his seat, scoffed and then looked back down. 

“If it isn’t  _ The Great Hawkeye _ ” His tone was mocking, and he looked worse for wear. “What do you want?” He demanded.

“Funny, if it was someone else, they’d be begging me to get them out of here by now.” Clint crossed his arms over his chest. Not that he actually  _ would _ help the bad guys but there have been times where he was offered obscene amounts of money to betray SHIELD.

“I’d rather die than ask  _ you _ for help.” The guy smile sarcastically.

“We can get to that later if you want.” Clint responded. He took the only remaining chair in front of the guy and tried to remember where exactly he’d seen this man.

“And you’re really good at that, aren’t you?” The guy seethed 

“What’s your name?” 

The guy scoffed and rolled his eyes, “Figures, you don’t know who I am. After all, I’m just another face in the audience.”

“What are you talking about?” Clint frowned.

The guy balled his fist and placed it in front of his lips, mimicking an announcer with a mic, “Ladies and Gentlemen, for one night only, we at the Carson Carnival of Traveling Wonders proudly present to you, the World’s  _ Greatest _ Marksman: The Amazing Hawkeye!” 

Clint’s face fell, it’s been so many years since he even thought about Carson’s. 

The guy smirked, feeling smug, “It’s a shame, really, that I only got to see your act twice in the whole week that you were in town.” 

Clint sighed, leaning back on his chair, “So what? You’re a fan? Doesn’t explain why you did this.”

The guy scrunched up his face like he was disgusted by even the idea of it, “I am the farthest thing from being your fan. I hate your very existence.” 

“Then-”

“But my sister, well, she was a very big fan of yours; came to see your performance every night. She even went so far as to call you her friend. I didn’t like the idea, of course, but she did. Do you even remember her?”

Clint felt his hands shake.

Of course he remembered her. 

Nina, that was her name. 

\---

_ “You were amazing out there.” The girl with the bright green eyes exclaimed. _

_ Clint took half a step back, more on instinct than anything else, “Uh… Thanks.” He looked around for anyone who might be looking for a lost child but everyone seemed to be blissfully unaware of this girl. “You’re not supposed to step into the ring.” He remarked instead, hoping that it was enough of a dismissal that the little girl would go back to her parents.  _

_ Apparently, it wasn’t because the girl just kept on talking to him like she never even heard a word that Clint said.  _

_ “My name is Nina. What’s yours?”  _

_ “Hawkeye.” He answered absently, picking up a bunch of props to be brought in.  _

_ “I knew that, silly. I meant, what’s your  _ real _ name?”  _

_ “None of your business.”  _

_ “That’s a weird name.” She giggled, following Clint around. “I have a feeling you’ll like my brother, None of your business. He says your name a lot”  _

_ “Aren’t your parents looking for you or something?” Clint asked, annoyed now. _

_ “I don’t think so, considering they’ve been dead for a few years.”  _

_ Clint stopped in his tracks so suddenly that Nina bumped into him. He turned around but couldn’t look at her in the eyes. “I’m so sorry.”  _

_ Nina waved the apology away and smiled, “Don’t worry about it. There’s no way you would have known.”  _

_ “Still…”  _

_ “Anyway, it’s just me and my brother now, and he knows where I am, so it’s okay that I’m here.”  _

_ “Me too, I only have my brother left.” Clint didn’t know why he told her that, but he felt like he could tell this girl everything. It was refreshing. “My name is Clint. Clint Barton.”  _

_ “Nice to meet you, Clint Barton.” She smiled at him, meaning every word she said. Clint was delighted to find that he felt the same. _

_ \--- _

“You’re… You’re Nina’s-”

“Louis. You have no idea how long I’ve waited to see that look on your face.” Louis said with a bitter smile. “I spent years trying to track you down, plotting to bring you to the police myself, have you tried for the murder of my sister.” 

Clint’s eyes widened in shock. 

“That’s right. I was there that night.”

\---

_ It was raining, and it was well past midnight when Trickshot took him to the edge of the city. He didn’t know what for until Clint saw her inside what looked like an abandoned barn. She was tied to one of the beams that was still holding the place together. She looked scared, bloody and beaten. She saw Clint and her face brightened for a second before she realized who was standing next to him.  _

_ Trickshot handed him the gun, “Sometimes, an arrow just won’t do.” He huffed and stood back.  _

_ Clint stared at the gun for a long time, not believing what Trickshot was asking him to do. “Point and shoot, kid. It ain’t that different from your bow; and it ain’t that different from killing a deer either.” He rolled his eyes.  _

_ Clint struggled to keep the gun up. He also struggled to look at Nina in the eyes.  _

_ “Do it.” Trickshot commanded. “Kill her.”  _

_ She trembled, on her knees and crying, as she stared down the barrel of the gun. “Clint, please, don’t do this.”  _

_ “I can’t.” Clint lowered his gun, and turned to Trickshot, “She didn’t do anything wrong.” He said, hoping Trickshot would reconsider. _

_ “Not yet.” Trickshot stubbed out the cigarette he’d been smoking and walked towards Nina. “but she knows. She knows everything, and we can’t let her live.”  _

_ “I won’t tell anyone, I promise. Just- please, Please let me go.” Nina begged, even in the darkness Clint could see the tear stains on her cheek, and he wished more than anything that he could wipe them away. _

_ “She hasn’t done anything wrong, but she will. She’ll go to the cops. She’ll tell her brother. And soon, everyone will be on our asses. Do you want that?”  _

_ “I promise I won’t. I’ll forget everything. I swear.” Nina looked to Clint, hoping he’d believe her. _

_ “She’s telling you lies.” Trickshot gripped her by her hair and pulled, forcing Nina to bare her neck, “You know how I know?” He asked him while glaring at her, “This lil’ bitch told me everything. She sang like a canary. Everything you’ve ever told her, she told me; even after she promised you she wouldn’t tell a soul.” He shoved her back to the ground like she was a piece of garbage then wiped his hand on his shirt. “You can’t trust anyone. Believe me. I learned that the hard way.”  _

_ He walked toward Clint again and leveled with him, “You have to kill her. That’s the only way you’ll be sure that she never tells anyone anything ever again.”  _

_ Clint raised his gun again and the look Nina gave him, he’d never forget it. She was mostly scared, but there was hatred in her eyes too, that’s when Clint figured, even if he even found a way to rescue her from this, she’d still betray him. He cocked the gun and swallowed the lump on his throat.  _

_ Nina watched as Clint’s finger tightened on the trigger and with her last breath, she said to Clint, “I wish I never met you.”  _

_ Clint shot her three times. _

_ The gun fell to his side without another word and the barn was, once again, filled with silence. The sound of Trickshot clapping slowly jerked Clint back to reality.  _

_ He had just killed someone. He just killed a friend.  _

_ And he didn’t feel anything.  _

_ “Good job.” Trickshot commended, “Now come on. I need a beer.”  _

_ Clint cocked the gun again and turned to Trickshot. “You’re right, I can’t trust anyone.”  _

_ Hawkeye never missed. _

\---

“I watched you kill two people that night. So imagine my surprise when I finally see you on the news, hailed like a hero. It made me sick watching you smile like you did a good job, like you had nothing to hide. I knew the moment I try to bring you in, people would just laugh at me. There was no way they’d believe a no-name guy over the Amazing Hawkeye, Avenger. Still, I wasn’t just going to let it go. I was going to bring you to justice, even if I had to do it myself.” Louis told him.

“So, what? Destroy the city? That’s your revenge?” 

“Like you said, I never hurt anyone. I barely scratched the city. I just incited panic to bring the Avengers out. I figured, if I couldn’t get to you, I’d get you to come to me.” Louis shrugged.

“And now that I’m here? Now that I’m right in front of you? What are you gonna do?” Clint asked, bracing for a fight.

“I’m not going to fight you.” Louis assured him, “That would be incredibly stupid of me. I just wanted you to know that I exist. I wanted to remind you that you had a past that can never be forgiven. No matter how much you beg, no matter how much you pray, no matter how many times you say sorry, no one who matters will ever forgive you for what you have done. You’ll live your life with the constant guilt that you’re the reason why I sit here, and why my sister never got the future she deserved. You are a monster, and you always will be.” Louis smiled, menacing, “And if you dare forget again, I will find you, and force you to remember.”  

\---

“What is this for again?” Clint asked, not for the first time, while Phil fixed his tie for him. 

“Charity. The Maria Stark Foundation is hosting a charity ball to raise money to support more STEM scholars this year. Pepper personally asked the Avengers to attend.” Phil answered with a patient smile.

“Right, okay.” Clint replied absently. His mind still occupied by Louis’ words. No matter how many times he told himself to forget about it, he can’t shake the image of Lily from his head. Her eyes, giving away how utterly terrified she was, her hands, shaking as she put them up in surrender, her voice, cracking as she begged for mercy.

“-int.” 

“Yeah.” Clint answered on instinct, hearing the tail end of his name. 

Phil stared at him with a furrow on his brows and a worry in his eyes, “Are you sure you’re okay?” Phil never pushed Clint for information he didn’t want to provide -- He had his secrets, and so did Phil -- but sometimes, when the moment calls for it, Phil asked again, giving Clint an ample time to think about whether he wanted to talk to Phil about something or not. More often than not, Clint would open up to Phil, telling him about his ‘colorful’ past.

This was not one of those times. 

“Yeah,” Clint breathed in, “I’m fine.” He wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince, Phil or himself. 

“Okay. You ready?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” Clint sighed.

\---

The party lasted all night and by three a.m., the Avengers were alone in the tower again, each in their own state of blissfully drunk. Bruce retired early after the party ended, Sam was sprawled across the couch, Rhodey was passed out in one of the many suites, Thor was still trying to get Steve drunk, Pepper and Phil were talking about something probably business related, Natasha was sitting at the bar with a dejected looking Clint, and Tony was still mixing drinks behind the bar. 

“So what’ll it be, stranger?” Tony asked, playing the part of the consoling bartender. 

“Something that’ll make me forget my troubles.” Clint mumbled, resting his cheek against the cool marble top. He hasn’t been this drunk in a long time. It was nice. He wasn’t looking forward to the inevitable hangover that’ll follow but the foggy state his mind was in felt nice. 

“Mmm,” Tony hummed, “Tequila, then?”

“You got a drink that hits you harder than Mjolnir would?” Clint asked without lifting his head.

“That bad, huh? Is it women? In my experience, women are the only ones capable of making someone this sad.” Tony rambled, pouring a shot of who knows what into a glass and placing it in front of Clint.

Natasha raised her eyebrows at Tony, and Tony shrugged, “So, women?”

Clint downed the drink and tried not to hiss as the drink burned his throat, “Oh, if only.” Clint gestured for Tony to give him another shot and Tony, ever the good friend, refilled his glass, “It would be easier if I was cheating on Phil, wouldn’t it? I mean, I never would, ‘coz that man is way more than I deserve and I’d be the world’s biggest idiot if I fucked that up, but it would be so much easier if I just cheated on him. I can probably fix that, you know?” Clint rambled, “It wouldn’t be easy, but it wouldn’t be as hard as turning back time.” 

“Why would you need to turn back time?” Natasha placed a soothing hand on his back as if to make him feel better. 

Clint shook his head, “You won’t get it,” Clint said in lieu of an explanation, “None of you will get it. He’s right, you know- He’s- I don’t belong here. You’re all heroes, and, and what am I? I’m just- I’m a criminal. I don’t even deserve to be your friends.”

“Clint, what are you talking about?” Tony asked him with his brows furrowed. 

“I’ve killed people.” Clint admitted in a small voice, afraid that his friends might actually hear him. 

“No one in this tower is innocent, Clint. Not by a long shot.” Natasha frowned. Everybody in the tower knew what it was to have blood on their hands, intentional or not.

“You don’t get it. None of you do,” Clint shook his head in dismay and smiled, “It was nice working with you all, but I don’t think I can keep pretending what I’m not.”

“Clint, what-” 

“I’m not a hero, Tony. I don’t deserve to be called an Avenger,” Clint slid out of his seat and wobbled a little, “I’ll move out by morning.” 

“Wait, Clint, no, I-” Tony was waved off with a lazy hand.

Natasha stared down at her drink with a frown. She looked like she wanted to murder the next person to cross her line of sight. 

“We have to do something,” Tony told her. “Talk him out of it, or, or, initiate a lockdown. I- He can’t leave us. Not with an idiotic reason like that. You need to talk to him.”

“I can’t,” Natasha’s frown got deeper, “He’s been stewing on this for a long time and, at this point, I can’t stop him.” She looked like she just wanted to leap off of the barstool to run after Clint, talk him out of whatever he was planning to do, but the years she spent with him told her that it was pointless now.

“So, what, are we supposed to just sit down with our hands on our asses?”

“Most of us, yes,” She got up off of her seat and walked towards Phil. Only he could do something about this now. 

\---

Clint shoved more of his clothes into the duffel bag he had out. He hadn’t realized that his belongings started increasing after he settled down at the tower. He never used to need more than a duffel to fit all of his belongings -- easier for a man to move around, and all that -- but now, not even a fraction of his stuff could fit in the bag. 

The tower had become his home that he felt it necessary to bring everything back here. He never wanted to leave, not really. The tower was where his friends were, its what he thinks of after a long day, its where he felt most comfortable. 

A knock jerked him back to reality, urging him to move once again. He hadn’t realized that he was crying until he had to wipe the tears away to get rid of the blurriness. Clint shoved a few more clothes into the bag, “Come in,” He called out.

Phil peered in from behind the door and greeted, “Hi,” 

Clint didn’t even look up, “Hey.” 

“Natasha told me you were leaving,” Phil confessed, “May I ask why?”

Clint zipped up his bag -- it looked like it was about to burst -- and sat on the edge of the bed, “I don’t belong here, Phil.”

“Then, I’m coming with you.” Phil decided.

“What? No, they need you here, Phil.”

“They need you too.” 

“No, they don’t. I’m not hero material like they are. I don’t belong.”

Phil waited for him to continue, but when Clint showed no signs of wanting to talk further, he asked, “Under this roof, we have a time traveler, a soviet assassin, an eccentric billionaire, a Norse god, a scientist with amazing anger management techniques, a guy with mechanical wings, and a guy who literally came back from the dead.” 

Clint smiled a little, and then, just as quickly, frowned, “What’s your point?”

“My point, Clint, is that there isn’t one mold. Saying you don’t belong here is like saying none of us belong here.”

Clint shook his head softly, “They’re different. I- I’m different from them. I’m not a hero like them.” 

“The thousands of lives you’ve saved this month alone beg to differ.” Phil argued, shrugging as he took a step closer.

“I’m a killer, Phil. I killed people because I was paid to do it. I didn’t do it because I had a grudge, or because I had to feed myself, I did it because I was bored and they paid me. I’m a monster.” Clint stared at his trembling hands then at the floor. He refused to look at Phil now, now that he might look at Clint with nothing but disappointment in his eyes.

“So?” 

Despite himself, Clint looked up at that and stared at Phil long and hard, “What do you mean ‘So’?”

“I mean, so what? Are you forgetting where you worked before you became an Avenger?” Phil sat beside Clint, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. “No one in SHIELD’s roster is innocent, Clint.  _ No one. _ If they were, they wouldn’t be working for us,” Phil smiled a little ruefully, “This kind of job, it can’t be given to the innocent because only those whose hands are stained with blood are willing to get their hands soaked with blood.”

“What are you saying?” 

Phil’s hand moved from his shoulder to his hand, squeezing in a comforting gesture, “I’m saying, you’re not a killer anymore Clint. You may have chosen to kill those people in the past, but you also chose to change. You chose to join the Avengers. You chose to save millions of lives. You chose to be a hero, Clint. Your past does not define you simply because you’ve grown since then. You know better now and we both know that you won’t make the same decisions you did back then.”

“But what If I do?” Clint asked, squeezing Phil’s hand back.

“You won’t. I trust you,” Phil smiled, “You should too.”

Clint nodded slowly, and only after a while, but Phil took it as a win and concluded that the archer will be staying with them for a while longer.

\---

It was cloudy but there wasn’t a threat of rain. 

Clint held the small, potted, bouquet of flowers closer to his chest as he made his way up the hill. Once he found her, he gave a little smile and placed the flowers on the ground.

He thought it was pathetic how this was the only way he could tell her he’s sorry. That he regret everything. He hated how this was the only thing he  _ could _ do -- apologize to a piece of stone. He sat down in front of her and just stayed there, thinking of all the things he would’ve said to her if she was still alive. 

He’d start with an ‘ _I’m sorry,_ ’ of course. He’d explain to her that she never deserved what happened to her, and that, no, she didn’t do anything wrong. He’d apologize to her for trying to forget about what had happened. He’d tell her about how her brother missed her so much and how much Clint wished he could be here. He’d tell her about the amazing places he’s been and the people he’s met. He’d tell her about how she was right about the aliens but she was wrong about them being friendly. He’d tell her how he wished she was here, and how much he wished he never pulled that trigger. He’d tell how much he regret what he did. He’d tell her how he didn’t expect her forgiveness, and he’d tell her ‘ _I’m_ _sorry. I’m so, so sorry.’_

\--- END ---


End file.
